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Talk:Into the Storm and out of Darkness/@comment-76.232.200.172-20160917012903
Ask for longwinded comments and ye shall receive. :P Comment Part 2: "It is customary amongst the Figorani, the ones you may know as First Builders, that after graduating First School, which is mandatory education, at the age of fifteen, young Figorani begin an apprenticeship with and older and wiser Figoranos, who teaches them all they know about their profession, life, the Universe, society etc. etc." I beleive the "and" is a typo, and you meant to type "an older." Also, does each Figoranos have just one apprentice, or does each Figoranos have multiple ones? The sentance currently implies the former, because it says multiple young Figorani begin apprentiship with a single older Figoranos. “But we have the power of Imagination. Can’t we use it to defeat them?” The apprentice says this right after his master finishes talking about Figorani who finished secondary school, implying that the apprentice wants to defeat secondary-schoolers. You might want to replace "them" with the actual object that the apprentice refers to. “Master, you are a Master Builders, right?” I beleive you meant to type "Master Builder" singular, unless you were intentionally having the apprentice misuse the word. "He had black curly hair, but they were wet at the moment, and blue eyes. He had a serious look on his face. His clothes were soaked, because of the rain" When you say "they were wet at the moment," do you refer to his hair? Because hair is a singular noun. Also, you accidentally left out the period after "rain" at the end of the sentance. "What are you doing here at this time of day and this rain outside?" Concider changing this to say "with this rain outside," or something similar. The current wording means "at this time of day and at this rain outside," which doesn't completely make sense. "And he knew he was great at it, as well as many other crafts." To make the meaning clear, I think you should say "he was great at it, as well as at many other crafts." Also, Using "he" to refer to two different people is somewhat akward. Concider replacing one of the pronouns with its antecedent. “I’ve been better” the man spoke truthfully “But there might be cause for good news soon and then I shall be fine, like you” I like this man's (Figgan's) candor. Also, you accidentally left of a period at the end of the sentence again. Actually, noticed that you were leaving off the periods for all the quotations. When you just have plain quote on its own, such as “No, I’m in a hurry” You need to end the sentence with a period, unless you have more words in the sentance after the quote. If you do have more words after the quote, you need to replace the period with a comma. When you say Deofan says you’ve got something important to tell us” the woman spoke. you need a comma at the end of the quote inside the quotation marks to replace the period. "'something important to tell us',''' '''the woman spoke." If you end the quote with a question mark or exclamation point, you don't need the comma. You probably already know all this, but I noticed that this was a concistant pattern for every single quote, implying that it was more than just a few typos. Check the punctuation at the end of every quote, because you left out punctuation for nearly all of them. Unless your grammar is different outside of America, which is a distinct possiblity. "'That can’t be comfortable' Deofan asked." Concider saying "Deofan asked Yorkanton." "If this war is over! It will be the greatest thing!” That first exclamation point is placed in a weird location. "as cold ?laughter? was heard." It seems a pair of rogue questionmarks have infiltrated your story. It will be a tough battle, but I trust in your ability to eliminate them. "but it generally looked like one; one of the dark kind. He had more characteristics, though, that made it special." You switch from referring to the figure as "it" to "he" and then back to "it" again. For the sake of clarity, choose either "it" or "he" and just use that to refer the figure. "The Titan-Mythran stopped many of them" I beleive the "them" you are referring to is the flames, but you might want to specify that by using the words "the flames" to make it clear. "Thirteen Mythrans gathered around the four unconscious bodies, while the ground began to mend, returning to its original state, before Malfros marred it." That last comma between "state" and "before" shouldn't be there. The one between "bodies" and "while" is unecessary, but it isn't incorrect either. I haven't said this yet becuase I was mostly focusing on individual sentences, but the battle scene as a whole was simply epic. There truly is no word that better captures the amazingness of your battle scene than the word "epic." "But also we wish to express our condolenses for your loss." This is probably my own lack of reading comprehension, but what loss is the mythran referring to? "I have one... idea!” What exactly do the ellipses signify? I'm assuming that you are using them to convey a pause in Yorkanton's speech, but the reasons for this pause are lost on me. "In the centre, there were five stone squares, four of which were standing on the floor, the fifth hanging over them in the air. If brought together, they would form a hollow cube, the down face being the floor, but for now they were in a distance from each other." After pondering this for while, I succeded in visualizing what you were describing, but I was confused by the description at first. Since squares are a two dimentional object, saying the squares were "standing" was somewhat confusing. I'm not sure how (or even if) you could make the description clearer, but I just wanted to point that out. “I will... get over it!” More ellipsis use by Yorkanton, I see. :P Once again, I'm having trouble visualizing the pause indicated by ellipsis ''and the emphatic inflection indicated by the exclamation point. Is the pause due to Yorkanton's pain? I dunno, these two peices of punctuation seem to be at odds with each other, in my mind at least. :P "It had been agreed, they should hide the gems in a planet called Militiregnum." Aha! The connection to KotOS! Also, the comma after "agreed" is unecessary. I see that this somewhat explains how the PE got to Crux Prime, but still leaves the exact nature of the connection between the two worlds unexplained. Nice. Ooh, cliffhanger! Who are the "they" that Nirwella speaks of? Great story! While there are some aspects of your writing style that don't "click" with the way my brain thinks, for the most part your descriptions allowed me to visualize all the awesome, vivid imagery. I kinda lost track of all the different names beginning with "fig," but that's mostly due to my bad memory with names. :P All in all, the story was epic. :D